So sorry for you. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. But I told him to go and be with her if he thought he could fix her. Doug: Yes. I learned I could not. He said that I am too impatient and I will never be convinced he isnt speaking to her. I was very standoffish, not mean, just did my own thing. Or someone who has high standards or morals. Hes spending his time at a dive bar down the street. He comes to see the baby and not you AND the baby. And I have my DDay2 showdown to prove I will do it. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. Either he has a serious drinking problem or many OW or something. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. You need a lawyer, accountant or financial planner and counselor and minister or priest (if you have one) and a good support team for you and your daughter. I hope you find a good counselor to support you through this. He accused you of cheating. I picked up the phone and made arrangements for him to stay with a friend until he found another place. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. And he CONSTANTLY asks me if I want to go do something with my friends and he will keep the baby. 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get QUESTION? !1 Its so good to hear from you!! Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. Or me NOT inviting him and hes left out and im inconsiderate. Im sure he never shed a tear for my pain the pain he deliberately created and caused he was heartbroken at as he put it for ME forcing him to hurt an innocent real good woman ( I explained in detail I am a real good woman my mother and grandmother are REAL GOOD WOMEN and I for one am disgusted and offended and made me want to throw up at his daring to put a serial adultering street walking prostitute in his mind or my life as anywhere near a REAL GOOD WOMAN since we dont cheat and screw other womens husbands his whores all did just that) who did nothing wrong man I was exploding pissed off i told him I was the ONLY innocent GOOD WOMAN he ever had promised GOD to never hurt and him and his whore could hang themselves in hell . He just wanted to be away, and it seems like thats what he is doing now a days again, but thats his decision I guess. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. We have all been in your shoes. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. Join us as we explore the real struggles of midlife health, and learn how to I KNOW in my heart he shouldnt be here. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. HORRIBLE. I know down the road he would regret it. He is expecting you to give in to him. I, being the chump I am, told him to go ahead and talk to her that one time because she was in crisis. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. He seems unwilling right now to make much effort. And then went running back to her in the fall. Am I making myself too available? I hope all is well!!! Big difference! And then the next morning he leaves for work and I immediately wonder what im in for for the day. But theres nothing I can do. So your H has chosen a different lifestyle. You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. Shortly after I found an organization that tries to help save marriages. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. Why? I told him I see now that we want different lives. It has been two years and I feel like my own fog is finally starting to lift. The handwriting was on the wall. Doug: Im sure that it was. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. Or prettier. Leave your comments, experiences, advice, etc. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. I guess all I can do is work on ME and try to be the best place for him to be! He still is at the bar everyday after work and comes home at night. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. I think I needed to be more honest with you, but I was afraid that if I was, you would leave. Your H exhibits addict like behavior. Not any more. My ultimate goal is obviously for us to be together and work through this, but i cant make him want that. Not only that the cheater may not come back, but if the cheater does come back, trying to resolve all of that is difficult. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. Do you think it is possible to commit fully to this 180, while he is living here, and he will see it and maybe open his eyes? I would have done almost anything EXCEPT allow my H to openly date the OW, wait around while he made a decision in two months or allow him to blame me for the A. The CS has to come to their own conclusions and realizations. I do not actually feel like cheating. Im praying time is on my side. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. like you said, I cannot change him. Innocent my arse!!!!! I am telling you this to help you avoid the six months of hell I put myself through thinking I knew my H well enough to fix the situation, end the A and reconcile. I did not over react. Some days things feel good, he will text me, the convo goes well, carefree, and then we both get home from work and its like the site of me is just annoyance to him. 1. You acknowledge when he is lying to you. You are giving him every opportunity to repair the M. He is choosing not to. He came over last night to see the baby and I went out to dinner with friends. And I know that, its just near impossible not to. But he was in the fog and it was awful. You might want to have that talk with him and explain with the situation the way it is she may begin to think its normal to be miserable because one parent is conflicted and cannot seem to grow up Just dont put your life on hold for him anymore You are better than that and so is your daughter! He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. The old line love you but not in love with you. I feel like im just being chipped away every day. Calm and rational. as if they were single or not a parent. I cant get out of my own head and out of my own way. Did you work through it? I always felt thats why he was unhappy, because he had to supress his demons for so long. How convenient for him. Could be he is no longer that interested in going out . I say Im trying hard to trust him. You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. She is not worth it. He talks about how he wants to do all these adventurous things and he doesnt want to be held back, but hes not doing anything like that. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. I hope any of this advice helps you. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. I feel like I have tried all of the above to get my CS out of the affair fog, its been 7 months and he is going strong with the OW. He was still cheating. Because he knows I wont toletste anything else. I dont know if the OW and him are back to speaking, im sure they are, but even if not, sometimes I wonder to myself, if this is who he is, do I even WANT that? It was a combination of things. Read up on the 180. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. She had cheated on her husband with this man who already had a partner. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. Its hurtful what you are living with. You forgive him for your own healing. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. Linda: I also think those things are important, but I would hope that removal would actually maybe allow the person to see what their spouse meant to them. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. When she was messaging me nasty messages he couldnt stand up for me. When he was telling me how wonderful our marriage was after DDay 1 and what a fool he was and how much he loved me, I believed it all. He was so blinded he could not tell the difference between love and lust/infatuation. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. No self respecting person jumps into another Relationship the next day. He was not looking for ego boosts from others. If not see ya. I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. I feel like I am beginning to hate him, so I am SURE he is continuing to see me negatively. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? He changed. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. When you are strong and solid things will fall into place. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. If you dont mind I have a question: However, these crises can often be associated with Just know you cannot change him. You need him to be a man. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. Sometimes I feel like he just wants a way out, to escape. The concert would have gone until like 1 at the earliest. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. I do not get it. The confusing bit when he is around me twice he tried to sleep with me and most recent visit just kept try and cuddle me..: Im so confused my headspace is confused I dont think I want him back as he caused me so much pain but I do know I dont want him with her and I guess I want him to want to come back if that makes sense.. Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. I fought for our marriage with dignity and respect and with my head held high. Said he promised to get better about helping with bills, promised to finish the work around the house he started months ago, told me he was absolutely terrified about losing our marriage. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. But had you left you would not have had to watch the affair continue for years. K. You are in a very tough position. And I know THIS isnt what I want for my life, whatever it is he is doing. But Just this past weekend, Saturday night he said he was going for drinks with a friend and would be home by 8. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. GOSHHHHH. They may think I caved. Desesperate He finally gets it. I feel like im losing my mind. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. unlike the exNOTbestie whore who 4 years later had to act as if she had a right to ever contact any of our family when our son died 6 weeks ago . Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. Depressed State of Mind. So why would that upset me? Sometimes I see it and sometimes im like woah who is this. I would not give him a divorce so easy. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. Youre absolutely right. His addiction. It helps him continue the affair. Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . Your baby needs one functioning happy parent who is going to put the childs needs first at all times. You may want to plan differently for your future based on the information. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). Finally, we would really like to hear from you about what you think has to happen to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog so they can begin to behave more rationally and realistically. They do weekend workshops a few states away. You are stronger than you think. It is fine if you decide the M no mo get works. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. We were only talkingnothing else! Thank you again for sharing your stories! Almost 3 years later I make sure I am in control of my happiness. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. In reality he was seeing the OW again and he did not believe he needed it. And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. Work, go to the bar every day, and come home and see the baby, feel like im available even though he doesnt care all that much, and then do it again. Many of these stories are helpful. The only time it felt like he did was when I really made him leave and he felt remorseful and upset and was scared and I would barely speak to him for 4 days. For some reason he does not remember this conversation which baffles me. we are seeing a councillor. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. You tried everything else. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. He keeps saying that he was telling people I was still his girlfriend but that does not make sense. And the minute I took a stand with my H and told him to leave, there was an immediate change. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. I dont know how he feels about this, but in my opinion this limbo sucks. Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker. I think its his conscious. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. I wish we could just have fun, We were for a while there after the separation and now it really just feels so blah. My H never complained he had no freedom. First wife you give such excellent advice! he can live whatever life he wants, and for some reason it does make me feel better. Which isnt true. I told him I know you email her. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. Good for you for standing up to him. He is in the babys life. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. He was nice during that time, as a matter of fact hes always been nice. With all my might!! He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. After dealing with my Hs frustrating behaviors, affair fog, continuing to see OW and blaming me for everything wrong in his life, I used to go to my wonderfully fabulous thetapist who would put me on the right path. Its hard bc we have such a young baby, I have a large family, things are always going on, and its like we just go right back into a routine and hes thinking gosh, this isnt what I wanted to get back into, and I do get that. and she helps a lot. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. When you dont engage any longer he wont know what to do. He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day. You take a step back. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. But there were 2 things that helped me tremendously. I said I know youre still talking to her and I cant do it anymore. I walked away, he followed me and said I was wrong but I shut the bathroom door and got in the shower and then I told him I needed a breather and i went for a drive. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get over. But you man up and be real. I begged and apologized. Im focused on myself and my kids and he continues to hate me and blame me for everything. He said he doesnt know why I keep thinking that but that I am wrong. Its been a few weeks since ive written. K. Im sorry you continue to go through this. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. We had a rough few years after that and I was ready to leave a few times I was so frustrated and fed up with his choices, behavior and continued lying. You cannot rationalize with crazy. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. I needed to save myself first for my sake and that if my children. 3. Its like the 180 but a lesser extent. And now im of course TERRIFIED he is going to run off to OW. I love him, probably too much. Two steps forward and one step back as they say. Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. He continued to cheat. He wont answer questions. Its going to take time. It I held my ground for months. I think that woke you up a little bit. I dont know how, but maybe thats the case. Thanks in advance, hopefully you will see this! Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. I didnt really want to talk, I said I didnt feel good and was going to work from home. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. It is Friday now so I really dont know when ill see him, if he will come home and hang out at a normal time, or if he will stay out until 3am, or if tonight will be the night he chooses to not come home at all and test that outHe is being very nice to me, he seems positive when hes around me and its like were roommates that get along great and raise a baby together and a dog. I dont know how this has happened. I have been an emotional roller coaster and have been doing everything I can to win back my wife; from begging and pleading, to showering her with love, to contacting her AP to tell him to leave her alone. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. I found out his wife was a 3rd grade teacher found her email her Facebook page with recent happy photos of them he would always be busy on weekends but said he had his daughter on weekends I saw their home address and the home was for sale ! I dont know what to do. Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. But karma is coming and I hope you get to see what happens to people who take advantage of someones good nature. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! I realized that because I was acting in a predictable way and giving you the safety net, that if I would have started behaviors that were unpredictable of me, I think that would have woke you up. I cant wrap my head around it all still. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. Or him telling me he isnt going to stay here, even though I JUST KICKED HIM OUT. Take care of yourself first. You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. The term the fog can be described as being similar to being brain washed. Maybe he thinks I will just always be here even though I truly wont. Nothing penetrates the fog. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. If you want her be a man, own it and move out. I should just be honest with him and tell him I dont know what to do and where we stand, but im so sick of bringing things up and watching his face just fall in annoyance (sometimes). There may be many OW not just the one he is no longer talking to. Its a long process to full reconciliation. I pray for you and I know you are grieving. There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. All this affair fog is nothing but fucking crap they do not respect you they do not love you they do not care about the consequences that is going to happen all of this affair fog is nothing but excuses for them to have sex with another person they have given up on their marriage and they are not worthyOf being with, I totally agree. He may try to blame you. I changed the locks before he got home, and sent his dad to tell him not to come back unless he was willing to end the affair. Dont stress about the OW. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. I dont want to be mean to him, I want to just focus on me and the baby but its very very hard. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. I just dont know how much longer this can last. That began a stage of life where she underwent 40 hours of therapy a week with strangers practically living in our home to work with her. Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. Financial access to all accounts and documents. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. WTF!! It would be good to know what it is. And that you know he is lying. If he cannot see the disrespect well then you dont need a second child to raise. Hes very quiet and doesnt share much with me, so.. Did she get back in touch? Thats HIS guilty conscience talking. He is still to let me know what his result came up to. Im not stopping you or controlling you. NO YELLING! We laugh, we talk about normal things. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. Only be upbeat in his presence and show that you are moving on in your life. Something. & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). Sounds like that could be part of his impulse control issues and more. Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. 2. And do not mention the OW for now. We were fine. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! But he will never bring himself to admit that because all his allies have validated him based on his lies, that everything is my fault. Because that is something I will have to handle differently. I want to be me. Or stop him from cheating. Very few know we are having issues. If he goes running off to the OW well that is on him!!! Our life stayed secure. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. Its EXHAUSTING. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! No disrespect. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. The affair started backing up again, but secretly, and turned into a PA. 3 months later, I found evidence of the affair on his computer while he was out with her. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. I AGAIN accused him of talking to OW, he swore he isnt, hasnt, doesnt want to. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. You are not going to change him. I dare say he wont be home tonight either!!. I see something online the OW posts and I just get completely set off. You have done everything.
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